Ghosts of Unicorn Past: College "Relationships"
I'd like to say that my skill at dating and human relations got better when I started college. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case up until fairly recently. This post contains information that many people do not know about me and things that some will judge me for. However, I encourage you to understand that it's okay to experiment to figure out what you want. A psychologist once told me that "you use relationships when you're younger to figure out what you do and do not want in your later relationships" and I think that is good advice.
Since I have not completed college yet, this post will not be a full reflection just yet.
Experimenting With My Sexuality:
During my freshman year, I'd basically decided to give up on dating and guys in general. I ended up becoming really close with a friend and we decided to try dating. She probably remembers all of it better than I do, but I'll do my best. We dated for about a month and it was fairly serious for both of us, but we ended up breaking up because we wanted to be friends and we could both tell that it wasn't going to work. We are still friends to this day even though it has changed our friendship.
I realized a few things in that relationship: I am very straight, I'm extremely insecure about my love life, and not very good at talking about what's on my mind. I've worked on all of those things since that point in my life, but it is a fact I must admit. I don't think that I would have chosen to get into this relationship if I'd been able to distinguish feelings of friendship from feelings of attraction, but it happened and I learned a lot from it.
The Guy that Wanted to Use Me to Cheat on His Girlfriend:
At one point late in the semester, I started hanging out with one of the guys in my Engineering class. We'd meet up and do homework either outside of our building or in his dorm room (my roommate wasn't much for visitors ever). I'd sit in his beanbag chair and he'd sit at his desk and we'd do work and talk. There were lots of times that he'd talk about sex and I could tell he was trying to hint at it. He knew I thought he was interesting and could easily develop feelings. Needless to say, he used that to his advantage. He told me that his girlfriend had been cheating on him and that they'd broken up. He'd call me over to look at something on his computer and then hold my hands or hug me. Sometimes, he'd come lay on the floor next to me and try to cuddle. Other times, he'd lay on top of me. I think those were the moments he wanted to try to convince me to let myself go, but I felt wrong. I could tell that something was off about the situation. He kept trying and I kept refusing. Eventually, that semester ended and I got a message around two in the morning one day from his "girlfriend" telling me that she was worried he was cheating on her and that he'd said that I'd been coming onto him. I was actually a little frustrated by it because it had all happened the other way around, but I also didn't want to get into the middle of their relationship drama.
The Mississippi Boy:
Last summer, I decided to download Tinder as a joke with a friend, but within two days of being on the app, I met this guy. He was in town visiting family and we'd happened to match. He was a pretty interesting person. We talked about all kinds of things, but even though we talked about relationships and had feelings for each other, we knew it wasn't really going to work out with us living several states apart. We tried to remain friends for a while, but found ourselves busy in our own lives and unable to really talk to each other much anymore.
The Creepy CompSci Guy:
Late in the fall, I met a Computer Science major that I had a lot in common with. I was wary about meeting up in person, so my roommate was with me when I met him for the first time. He seemed reasonably normal during that time. He was nice, funny, and seemed interesting. That evening, we decided to go on a date. On the way there, he asked me what my views on sex were and I told him that it wasn't really my thing. His response was that he believes that our only purpose in life is to reproduce and die. He knew he'd crossed a line with that bit, so he apologized and we talked more about videogames and computers the rest of the evening. When he dropped me off at my apartment, he tried to kiss me. I wasn't okay with that, so I said no. He tried to coerce me into kissing him and eventually grabbed my wrist to try to keep me from moving away from him in his truck. That was one of the moments I nearly had a panic attack due to physical contact. I managed to get away and he realized that he'd gone too far and apologized, blaming it on his hormones. The next few dates were better. We met up and played videogames at his apartment or met in the library to do homework together. I thought things were fine until one night, we were playing Tomb Raider and he started to kiss me. I'd lost interest in the physical contact early into that night, but he wanted it. We ended up cuddling (which I was fine with), but he kept kissing me and tried to climb on top of me while we were laying on his couch. That was the second time I nearly had a panic attack due to physical contact. I told him that he wasn't allowed to go any further and he respected me enough to stop at that point. However, once I left, he was texting me about how horny he was and how much he wanted me to relieve his urges. When I said no again, he never spoke to me again and stood me up on a study date we had planned.
The Fence Post:
I've often been told that I could get a fence post to have a conversation with me. Apparently people think I'm just a natural conversationalist. I don't see it, but whatever. I went on a single date with this guy. It was actually a rescheduled date that I'd already lost interest in even before I got there. He drank a lot and wasn't a great listener. We spent our hour out at a pizza place and I barely got him to talk about anything. The only thing I managed to get him to talk about was my scar and then he went on a tangent about injuries (while we were eating food). I kept trying to change the subject, but every time I tried, he'd chuckle a bit and just not reply. After about ten minutes of straight awkward silence, he made up some excuse to leave and we left. However, I hadn't driven to campus that day and it was late enough that the buses were running less often than they did in the day. It was getting dark earlier since Winter was coming so I had no choice but to wait at the bus stop downtown in the dark by myself for at least twenty five minutes. During that time, I felt anxious, I was afraid, I didn't really know what had actually happened, and I didn't want to be alone. I nearly had a panic attack on the bus because I felt so overwhelmed by everything and the fact that it was so awkward and just not fun. Luckily, a friend got on the bus and started talking to me. I think he could tell that I wasn't okay, so he started cracking jokes and was the only reason I didn't have a minor freak out on the bus.
The Future Army Bridge Bomber:
The only good thing that came out of talking to this guy was the fact he knew a lot about military history and I was doing an English project where I needed military history. We'd started talking and at first, things were going well. We were talking about meeting up and he agreed that we should, but never wanted to make any plans to meet up. We couldn't meet up spontaneously because we lived over an hour and a half apart. Eventually, he just stopped talking to me altogether, which I was okay with. At least my English professor really liked my project.
The Backyard Lullaby:
I've already dedicated almost an entire post to this one and he's been mentioned in a few other posts as Guy #1. I don't really want to dwell on the topic of this one anymore because we've all moved on and it doesn't matter anymore.
Written: 03 April 2018
Since I have not completed college yet, this post will not be a full reflection just yet.
Experimenting With My Sexuality:
During my freshman year, I'd basically decided to give up on dating and guys in general. I ended up becoming really close with a friend and we decided to try dating. She probably remembers all of it better than I do, but I'll do my best. We dated for about a month and it was fairly serious for both of us, but we ended up breaking up because we wanted to be friends and we could both tell that it wasn't going to work. We are still friends to this day even though it has changed our friendship.I realized a few things in that relationship: I am very straight, I'm extremely insecure about my love life, and not very good at talking about what's on my mind. I've worked on all of those things since that point in my life, but it is a fact I must admit. I don't think that I would have chosen to get into this relationship if I'd been able to distinguish feelings of friendship from feelings of attraction, but it happened and I learned a lot from it.
The Guy that Wanted to Use Me to Cheat on His Girlfriend:
At one point late in the semester, I started hanging out with one of the guys in my Engineering class. We'd meet up and do homework either outside of our building or in his dorm room (my roommate wasn't much for visitors ever). I'd sit in his beanbag chair and he'd sit at his desk and we'd do work and talk. There were lots of times that he'd talk about sex and I could tell he was trying to hint at it. He knew I thought he was interesting and could easily develop feelings. Needless to say, he used that to his advantage. He told me that his girlfriend had been cheating on him and that they'd broken up. He'd call me over to look at something on his computer and then hold my hands or hug me. Sometimes, he'd come lay on the floor next to me and try to cuddle. Other times, he'd lay on top of me. I think those were the moments he wanted to try to convince me to let myself go, but I felt wrong. I could tell that something was off about the situation. He kept trying and I kept refusing. Eventually, that semester ended and I got a message around two in the morning one day from his "girlfriend" telling me that she was worried he was cheating on her and that he'd said that I'd been coming onto him. I was actually a little frustrated by it because it had all happened the other way around, but I also didn't want to get into the middle of their relationship drama.
The Mississippi Boy:
Last summer, I decided to download Tinder as a joke with a friend, but within two days of being on the app, I met this guy. He was in town visiting family and we'd happened to match. He was a pretty interesting person. We talked about all kinds of things, but even though we talked about relationships and had feelings for each other, we knew it wasn't really going to work out with us living several states apart. We tried to remain friends for a while, but found ourselves busy in our own lives and unable to really talk to each other much anymore.
The Creepy CompSci Guy:
Late in the fall, I met a Computer Science major that I had a lot in common with. I was wary about meeting up in person, so my roommate was with me when I met him for the first time. He seemed reasonably normal during that time. He was nice, funny, and seemed interesting. That evening, we decided to go on a date. On the way there, he asked me what my views on sex were and I told him that it wasn't really my thing. His response was that he believes that our only purpose in life is to reproduce and die. He knew he'd crossed a line with that bit, so he apologized and we talked more about videogames and computers the rest of the evening. When he dropped me off at my apartment, he tried to kiss me. I wasn't okay with that, so I said no. He tried to coerce me into kissing him and eventually grabbed my wrist to try to keep me from moving away from him in his truck. That was one of the moments I nearly had a panic attack due to physical contact. I managed to get away and he realized that he'd gone too far and apologized, blaming it on his hormones. The next few dates were better. We met up and played videogames at his apartment or met in the library to do homework together. I thought things were fine until one night, we were playing Tomb Raider and he started to kiss me. I'd lost interest in the physical contact early into that night, but he wanted it. We ended up cuddling (which I was fine with), but he kept kissing me and tried to climb on top of me while we were laying on his couch. That was the second time I nearly had a panic attack due to physical contact. I told him that he wasn't allowed to go any further and he respected me enough to stop at that point. However, once I left, he was texting me about how horny he was and how much he wanted me to relieve his urges. When I said no again, he never spoke to me again and stood me up on a study date we had planned.The Fence Post:
I've often been told that I could get a fence post to have a conversation with me. Apparently people think I'm just a natural conversationalist. I don't see it, but whatever. I went on a single date with this guy. It was actually a rescheduled date that I'd already lost interest in even before I got there. He drank a lot and wasn't a great listener. We spent our hour out at a pizza place and I barely got him to talk about anything. The only thing I managed to get him to talk about was my scar and then he went on a tangent about injuries (while we were eating food). I kept trying to change the subject, but every time I tried, he'd chuckle a bit and just not reply. After about ten minutes of straight awkward silence, he made up some excuse to leave and we left. However, I hadn't driven to campus that day and it was late enough that the buses were running less often than they did in the day. It was getting dark earlier since Winter was coming so I had no choice but to wait at the bus stop downtown in the dark by myself for at least twenty five minutes. During that time, I felt anxious, I was afraid, I didn't really know what had actually happened, and I didn't want to be alone. I nearly had a panic attack on the bus because I felt so overwhelmed by everything and the fact that it was so awkward and just not fun. Luckily, a friend got on the bus and started talking to me. I think he could tell that I wasn't okay, so he started cracking jokes and was the only reason I didn't have a minor freak out on the bus.
The Future Army Bridge Bomber:
The only good thing that came out of talking to this guy was the fact he knew a lot about military history and I was doing an English project where I needed military history. We'd started talking and at first, things were going well. We were talking about meeting up and he agreed that we should, but never wanted to make any plans to meet up. We couldn't meet up spontaneously because we lived over an hour and a half apart. Eventually, he just stopped talking to me altogether, which I was okay with. At least my English professor really liked my project.The Backyard Lullaby:
I've already dedicated almost an entire post to this one and he's been mentioned in a few other posts as Guy #1. I don't really want to dwell on the topic of this one anymore because we've all moved on and it doesn't matter anymore.
Written: 03 April 2018