Feeling Connected in a World of Disconnection - Part 2
Last time, we talked about how we are disconnected despite being so connected. This time, we will continue to explore those ideas as well as how being able to be disconnected can be a good thing.
Personally, I try to stay off of social media. Sure I'm a little more disconnected from what everyone else is doing, but if it's truly important, my friends will tell me about it. I won't have to find out about it from someone else. That being said, I am definitely addicted to my screens. I'll admit that I'm always waiting for notifications (especially from my person) and that I sometimes need to remind myself that it's not okay to check my phone here and that I need to live in the moment. However, I have improved. I keep my phone in my door pocket while driving unless I'm using it for navigation and I try to limit all social media. It makes me happier that way.
Anonymity:
Now we're veering back into the topic of anonymity that I started discussing last time. It is a real problem online because it has the ability to hurt people and can become something extremely dangerous. However, it can also be a good thing. Anonymity is the reason I'm as active with this blog as I am. It's the only reason that I actually let my person convince me to start blogging again actually. The fact that I can write my blog anonymously means that only the people I have specifically given the link to know exactly who I am and I'd like to keep it that way. If you have found my blog somehow (not through me) and have figured out who I am, please never speak of it. I don't want to know that you've found me because it will then limit how much I talk about.
The main reason I wanted an alias for this blog is because I want people to know that bad things happen to good people. I want people to hear my stories and my opinions. Maybe it will help them along the way. I want to be able to reach a greater audience, but I don't want to be judged for my choices or my past. It's all the past now and I can't change it; I don't want to change it. Those people that were specifically given the link are people that I trust with my stories and want to let in so that they understand me and what I've been through more. I want to be able to talk about things that I'm going through without having to maintain my identity as a human. I don't want to filter what I say and an alias allows me to do that. It makes me feel more disconnected from myself and everyone else to the point that I feel like I can talk about some things.
Anonymity is only beneficial when used for good reasons. Keep that in mind.
Our World of Connection and Shame:
Continuing on the discussion of anonymity, I remain anonymous because these aren't things I would tell everyone. I don't like to talk about some of the more sensitive parts of my past and I don't want everyone to know that I've done some of the things that I've done. There are only a few people in my life that I don't keep myself armored around. That reason is simply because of shame.
I'll admit that I am ashamed of some things I have done in the past. I'm ashamed that I haven't been able to see red flags and walk away from dangerous situations. I'm ashamed that I spent so long unable to distinguish my feelings of friendship from feelings of attraction. I'm ashamed that I let myself change who I was as a person because of someone else.
Shame is a huge reason that we try to create pseudo-selves on social media. We don't want to let others in on the bad things in our lives; we want them to believe that we live in a perfect world. This isn't a new concept. We've done this since before social media took off. We want everyone else to believe that our lives are perfect. We don't want them to know that we're struggling to get by financially or that we're going through a rough time.
Shame isn't necessarily something we bring upon ourselves. We don't always feel shame because of something we specifically did, like miss a meeting because we overslept. Sometimes, we feel shame because of the way society conditions us to feel about something. For example, in some ways, I am ashamed of my body because I don't fit the ideal frame or size. I feel shame because I am different in a lot of ways and I feel shame because I feel like I'm behind in some areas. I feel shame because I feel like I shouldn't get credit for some things I do naturally.
I'll use an example to show more of my point. I am ashamed of my scar in some ways because I found myself in an unfortunate situation and when people mention it, I feel that situation again. I was following the safety precautions set up at the time, but I still got hurt.
Using our connections to the world, we attempt to disconnect ourselves from our shame. Sometimes, we think that we can make our lives better if we make ourselves look better. However, it doesn't take away our shame of things that have happened. In some cases, it can make things worse. We are so connected that we constantly see ads with models that don't look like us, we hear about people being shamed for something they've done, we constantly hear about sexual crimes and how the victims struggle to speak out. The problem there isn't the fact they were a victim, it's the fact that they feel shame from it. They feel ashamed that they let themselves get into that situation, that they didn't get out or get help sooner, that they felt helpless.
We all feel shame, some more than others. Some of it stems from our connection to the world and some of it does not. However, it does make us more disconnected from everyone. On top of our disconnection from the world due to technology, we fear judgement by others for what we wear, what we do, or what we say.
What does this all mean?
I wake up every day fearing that someone will try to take away the job I have or the friends I have because I'm not perfect. I am ashamed that I'm not perfect in so many ways. I fear that my friends and my person are only using me for their own personal gain or that they will walk away and abandon me like so many others have. My shame has caused me to become unable to trust a human connection and at times, it can be debilitating. I've had several breakdowns over the fact I constantly fear being left again and although I'm getting better (thanks to my friends and person), it's still something I must fear shame for every day. I feel like I'm not good enough for my friends at times and that if they knew me on a deep level, they'd run away. I'm ashamed both for not being good enough and for having those thoughts.
In my rational mind, I know that my person loves me for me; I know that my friends want to be in my life for good reasons, but sometimes, shame can rule us, whether we want it to or not. I've discovered that the best way to overcome these feelings is to talk to the people in your life that you are close to. It's the only thing that's helped me so far and in a way, it's made my relationship with my person stronger because I've broken down some of the armor that I hold so close to me and allowed myself to be vulnerable; I'm starting to allow myself to make a connection.
I've been able to separate myself from the feeling of being defined by likes and followers. I've been able to mostly keep myself away from social media and reduce its pull on me. I try to keep my phone put away when I'm with people because living in the moment without feeling like you have to define yourself by who you are online is the first step to breaking through the shame you feel and the armor you put up. The next step is to let yourself feel the emotions that you don't want to or don't feel like you can feel, whether you have to do that alone or with a best friend. You are not perfect and that's okay. You don't have to be perfect. Let yourself break down the armor you constantly have on and feel a connection with someone.
The first time I truly felt a connection was back in February. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I couldn't get myself home from work. I ended up going to my person's apartment and crying and breaking down for at least an hour while he held me and tried to be there in the ways that I needed him. He reminded me that I was perfect to him and that he loved me and that feeling shame over the fact I'd done something didn't affect who I was as a person. I'd broken down all of my walls to a guy that I'd only known a few weeks at that point and he turned out to be one of the best people to break down to. He reminded me that I'm allowed to let myself feel happy and that I'm allowed to feel the things I don't want to feel.
I've improved a lot since then. I still have my moments, but at the same time, I know that I don't have to be perfect. My past doesn't define me. Just because I made a stupid decision doesn't mean that I'm stupid. It happens; life happens. The only thing we can do is make the most of the cards we're dealt. Finding out that we don't have to be perfect allows us to break down and feel a connection and in my eyes, a large way we try to make ourselves perfect is when we're online. That doesn't matter. What matters is our relationships with the people in our lives. Take the time with friends and leave your phone out of sight. Take the time to try something new or go somewhere and don't post it online. Take the steps to feeling a genuine connection with someone. It may just change your life.
Written 04 April 2018
Personally, I try to stay off of social media. Sure I'm a little more disconnected from what everyone else is doing, but if it's truly important, my friends will tell me about it. I won't have to find out about it from someone else. That being said, I am definitely addicted to my screens. I'll admit that I'm always waiting for notifications (especially from my person) and that I sometimes need to remind myself that it's not okay to check my phone here and that I need to live in the moment. However, I have improved. I keep my phone in my door pocket while driving unless I'm using it for navigation and I try to limit all social media. It makes me happier that way.
Anonymity:
Now we're veering back into the topic of anonymity that I started discussing last time. It is a real problem online because it has the ability to hurt people and can become something extremely dangerous. However, it can also be a good thing. Anonymity is the reason I'm as active with this blog as I am. It's the only reason that I actually let my person convince me to start blogging again actually. The fact that I can write my blog anonymously means that only the people I have specifically given the link to know exactly who I am and I'd like to keep it that way. If you have found my blog somehow (not through me) and have figured out who I am, please never speak of it. I don't want to know that you've found me because it will then limit how much I talk about.
The main reason I wanted an alias for this blog is because I want people to know that bad things happen to good people. I want people to hear my stories and my opinions. Maybe it will help them along the way. I want to be able to reach a greater audience, but I don't want to be judged for my choices or my past. It's all the past now and I can't change it; I don't want to change it. Those people that were specifically given the link are people that I trust with my stories and want to let in so that they understand me and what I've been through more. I want to be able to talk about things that I'm going through without having to maintain my identity as a human. I don't want to filter what I say and an alias allows me to do that. It makes me feel more disconnected from myself and everyone else to the point that I feel like I can talk about some things.
Anonymity is only beneficial when used for good reasons. Keep that in mind.
Our World of Connection and Shame:
Continuing on the discussion of anonymity, I remain anonymous because these aren't things I would tell everyone. I don't like to talk about some of the more sensitive parts of my past and I don't want everyone to know that I've done some of the things that I've done. There are only a few people in my life that I don't keep myself armored around. That reason is simply because of shame.
I'll admit that I am ashamed of some things I have done in the past. I'm ashamed that I haven't been able to see red flags and walk away from dangerous situations. I'm ashamed that I spent so long unable to distinguish my feelings of friendship from feelings of attraction. I'm ashamed that I let myself change who I was as a person because of someone else.Shame is a huge reason that we try to create pseudo-selves on social media. We don't want to let others in on the bad things in our lives; we want them to believe that we live in a perfect world. This isn't a new concept. We've done this since before social media took off. We want everyone else to believe that our lives are perfect. We don't want them to know that we're struggling to get by financially or that we're going through a rough time.
Shame isn't necessarily something we bring upon ourselves. We don't always feel shame because of something we specifically did, like miss a meeting because we overslept. Sometimes, we feel shame because of the way society conditions us to feel about something. For example, in some ways, I am ashamed of my body because I don't fit the ideal frame or size. I feel shame because I am different in a lot of ways and I feel shame because I feel like I'm behind in some areas. I feel shame because I feel like I shouldn't get credit for some things I do naturally.
I'll use an example to show more of my point. I am ashamed of my scar in some ways because I found myself in an unfortunate situation and when people mention it, I feel that situation again. I was following the safety precautions set up at the time, but I still got hurt.
Using our connections to the world, we attempt to disconnect ourselves from our shame. Sometimes, we think that we can make our lives better if we make ourselves look better. However, it doesn't take away our shame of things that have happened. In some cases, it can make things worse. We are so connected that we constantly see ads with models that don't look like us, we hear about people being shamed for something they've done, we constantly hear about sexual crimes and how the victims struggle to speak out. The problem there isn't the fact they were a victim, it's the fact that they feel shame from it. They feel ashamed that they let themselves get into that situation, that they didn't get out or get help sooner, that they felt helpless.We all feel shame, some more than others. Some of it stems from our connection to the world and some of it does not. However, it does make us more disconnected from everyone. On top of our disconnection from the world due to technology, we fear judgement by others for what we wear, what we do, or what we say.
What does this all mean?
I wake up every day fearing that someone will try to take away the job I have or the friends I have because I'm not perfect. I am ashamed that I'm not perfect in so many ways. I fear that my friends and my person are only using me for their own personal gain or that they will walk away and abandon me like so many others have. My shame has caused me to become unable to trust a human connection and at times, it can be debilitating. I've had several breakdowns over the fact I constantly fear being left again and although I'm getting better (thanks to my friends and person), it's still something I must fear shame for every day. I feel like I'm not good enough for my friends at times and that if they knew me on a deep level, they'd run away. I'm ashamed both for not being good enough and for having those thoughts.
In my rational mind, I know that my person loves me for me; I know that my friends want to be in my life for good reasons, but sometimes, shame can rule us, whether we want it to or not. I've discovered that the best way to overcome these feelings is to talk to the people in your life that you are close to. It's the only thing that's helped me so far and in a way, it's made my relationship with my person stronger because I've broken down some of the armor that I hold so close to me and allowed myself to be vulnerable; I'm starting to allow myself to make a connection.I've been able to separate myself from the feeling of being defined by likes and followers. I've been able to mostly keep myself away from social media and reduce its pull on me. I try to keep my phone put away when I'm with people because living in the moment without feeling like you have to define yourself by who you are online is the first step to breaking through the shame you feel and the armor you put up. The next step is to let yourself feel the emotions that you don't want to or don't feel like you can feel, whether you have to do that alone or with a best friend. You are not perfect and that's okay. You don't have to be perfect. Let yourself break down the armor you constantly have on and feel a connection with someone.
The first time I truly felt a connection was back in February. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I couldn't get myself home from work. I ended up going to my person's apartment and crying and breaking down for at least an hour while he held me and tried to be there in the ways that I needed him. He reminded me that I was perfect to him and that he loved me and that feeling shame over the fact I'd done something didn't affect who I was as a person. I'd broken down all of my walls to a guy that I'd only known a few weeks at that point and he turned out to be one of the best people to break down to. He reminded me that I'm allowed to let myself feel happy and that I'm allowed to feel the things I don't want to feel.I've improved a lot since then. I still have my moments, but at the same time, I know that I don't have to be perfect. My past doesn't define me. Just because I made a stupid decision doesn't mean that I'm stupid. It happens; life happens. The only thing we can do is make the most of the cards we're dealt. Finding out that we don't have to be perfect allows us to break down and feel a connection and in my eyes, a large way we try to make ourselves perfect is when we're online. That doesn't matter. What matters is our relationships with the people in our lives. Take the time with friends and leave your phone out of sight. Take the time to try something new or go somewhere and don't post it online. Take the steps to feeling a genuine connection with someone. It may just change your life.
Written 04 April 2018