Being the Mother Goose to Ducks

How often do you get a call or text to come pick up a friend because they can't get home for some reason? How often do you find yourself reminding a friend to do something you know they will forget to do? How often do you find yourself being the one that keeps your friends safe? How often do you tell friends that they aren't allowed to walk home alone in the dark? To let you know when they get somewhere safely?

If you answered "frequently" or an equivalent to any of the above questions, you may be a parent of your friend group. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It means that you care about your friends and their well being (maybe more than they do). It usually means that you're the responsible one (usually, but not always) and that you sort of have your life together in some way, shape, or form. You are not alone. 

If you asked me any of the questions I asked you, my answer would be "pretty often" and my friends can second that statement. I'm usually the friend that will say, "It's freezing outside; go grab a sweater" or "Let me know when you get home so I know you didn't die" or even "Put on pants and shoes so that we can go get dinner." My friends are probably sitting there nodding their heads right now and thinking of other ways I've basically been their mom. 

I've always been that person that's caring for others, the Mother Goose if you will. Throughout my entire life, I've been the person that's looked out for my friends and kept them from doing things they might regret. I'm the one they call when they're drunk and can't get home, the one they call when they're dealing with drama, and the one they call when they just need a mom. I've been known to pick people back up when they feel like things are hopeless, despite being insulted or torn down in the process. 

I feel like I've become more and more of a mom lately since I've mended my friendship with the guy I tried to build a relationship with in January (the one that ultimately failed due to an ex-girlfriend). In the time that we've moved on from the past, we've talked a lot about different things and I've been there for him when he needs a friend (and he's been there for me as well). We spent a lot of time talking about what he's going through and essentially high school drama. In several cases, I've been able to see what he or other people are going to do or how they feel before they realize it. When his ex-girlfriend ran into him at the hospital that day, I knew she was going to try to do something to get him back, but I just didn't know what. I've told him his feelings that he won't let him admit to himself and I've seen several girls have crushes on him. I'm not trying to win him back in any way. He's a friend and we both respect the relationship I'm building with my current person. Despite feeling like equals with this guy most of the time, sometimes I feel like his mom. Sometimes, we talk about things as if I'm his mom and he's moved out on his own. He calls me to tell me about the drama he's going through or about his friend's baby or even how work is going and how he's hoping to get a promotion. It's a really strange dynamic in a way because I've never actually met this guy in person (though that will likely change someday), yet I feel like he's my child in a way.

I must make the disclaimer that there is no possible way he is actually my child unless we all have this biology thing messed up since he's only a year younger than me. 

Sometimes, he will ask me how he should dress for a certain event or ask me if he should tuck his shirt in. Other times, we talk about relationships. I think at one point, we even agreed that if his ex tried to get him back after she'd destroyed my relationship with him, he was simply going to tell her that "mom said no."

Throughout the last few months, my relationship with my current person (I should ask him someday if I can use his name or if he would like an alias) has gotten more intense and more physical. At one point, he got sick and I could see that I was being a mom in a way, even though I wasn't trying to. He noticed too. At one point, he said "I want a lover, not a mama" and I realized that he was right and that was one of the main reasons I had chosen to walk away from the other guy. I was turning into his mama and I didn't want that dynamic in my relationship with anyone. I want to be an equal.

I have three friends that I tell everything and one of them is my current person. I noticed that I usually only told one friend (not the guy I finally mended my friendship with) anything about how physical my relationship with my person was getting. It wasn't because I still had feelings for the guy. He'd been friendzoned and respected that. It was partly because I wasn't sure how comfortable he would be knowing that a girl he nearly dated was getting into a serious relationship with the guy that stole her away. I realized that I felt a little weird talking to a guy that I was being a mom to in a lot of ways about my physical relationship with another guy. I could also tell that he was tiptoeing around certain things because he was afraid that he would hurt my relationship with my person.

It also wasn't because I just didn't want to talk about it. The third member of my intimate friend category got to hear all of the gory details about my relationship with my person and how my body was doing strange things due to shifts in medications and everything else that was going on. We talked (and still do talk) about basically everything regardless of how weird or awkward it may be. If something new happened, she knew about it within a week. She was the person I called whenever I needed to know something that I didn't know, like "should I be on birth control" or "is this normal" and didn't mind being that person. It didn't matter how weird or graphic it was; it was discussed. In a way, she was being my Mother Goose (we'll come back to that idea).

I ended up talking to the guy about what I felt because I didn't want to keep the "I'm his mom" dynamic forever. Even though I don't mind being his mom in some ways, I want to be able to tell him about things going on in my life as well. We talked and from what I understand, we agreed to keep an open dialogue and make sure that we weren't crossing a line with our conversations (aka making someone uncomfortable or hurting someone), but that we'd keep our friendship like it is. I don't want to feel like I can't tell him about the physical things that are happening in my relationship if I ever want to.

Okay, back to the friend being my Mother Goose. We don't have to feel like the parent of our friend group all the time. Sometimes, we all need a mom. Just because I'm usually the one looking out for my friends doesn't mean that I know exactly what I'm doing. Sometimes, I need a stand in mom to go with me to talk to someone about getting birth control because I have absolutely no idea what to say or how to answer some of the questions. Sometimes, I need moral support when I feel like things are crashing down. Sometimes, even parents need a parent.

By this point, you're probably wondering why I used the word "ducks" instead of the word "geese" in the title. Maybe you've already figured it out. Either way, I'll explain it. None of these people are my children biologically or legally, but I care for them like they are my own children. It's something natural that I do and it's usually fairly obvious that I don't necessarily try to be a mom. Just like other animals care for others that aren't their kind, we can be a parent to people that aren't our children. In that way, those children are our ducks. They're not really ours, but they might as well be. We care for them as if they are.

I thought that I'd always only want to be the Mother Goose for only ducks because I thought my maternal instincts were pretty terrible, but as I'm building a relationship with my person, I'm realizing that I do instinctively care for people and "mom" and that maybe I do want to eventually have my own geese to be a Mother Goose to. I never thought I would, but if I've learned anything over the last six months or so, it's that I really do have those maternal instincts I thought I didn't have and that I don't want to always have "ducks" that are my own age. I don't mind being a stand in mom for moral support or help through an awkward situation, but I also don't want to feel like I'm always raising my friends or my significant other.




Written: 30 March 2018