Alias No. 6: The Recovering Unicorn

If you asked me how I've been lately, my answer would simply be: I'm not dead yet. I've been through a lot, but I'm still kicking somehow. Life hasn't killed me just yet. I'm proving to be more stubborn than it thinks I am.

I hit a pretty big low in Alias No. 5, a low that I didn't even think was possible. I'd lost grip on my depression and anxiety and I'm still struggling to maintain it. People that know me well know that sometimes I don't maintain it, even though I try my best to. Even though my life is settling down a little, I'm starting to form a new relationship, and I'm improving myself, I still don't always feel happy even when I know I should.

I've never really allowed myself to feel happiness since I became the Robot Girl. Even though I've gotten better at not being a robot, I still don't let myself feel happiness. I don't know if it's because I don't feel like it's fair for me to be happy because of all of the pain and sadness in the world, or if it's some internal conflict that came about because of something else.

I should be happy right now. I have a job, I'm not in debt, I have a lot going for me, I have friends that love me, and I have a great guy in my life. I should be happy. However, I don't tend to feel that way all the time. I don't think that I'm specifically sitting here wondering when all of the good things will end (because I know they will), but I know my mind wanders there sometimes.

A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown. Up until that point, I'd been feeling better. I was happier, more productive at work, my anxiety was getting back under control, and I'd generally felt better. I was making so much progress and then it all came crashing down on me.

It stemmed from a lot of things, but the fact that my brain tries to rip reality apart and not allow me to feel happy when I feel happy was one of the main causes. It was a normal Saturday for the most part. I was out with a friend at a yard sale, but I could feel my mind start to disconnect from reality. It got worse when I went home that day (it was part of the reason I went home). My brain had managed to convince itself that I didn't have any real friends because they all wanted to use me for their own personal gain and that my potential boyfriend was only with me because he wanted a physical relationship. Can you blame me for thinking this way? It's not like it didn't happen for a good portion of my life. It's not like most of the people that were my "friends" in my childhood and teens weren't just trying to use me and it's not like most attractive guys that give me the time of day don't just do it because they think I'm easy.

I tried my best to keep myself together. I tried to think of the date I had gone on the weekend before and how much fun I had. I tried to think of the way he smiled at me, the way we cheered each other on, and how he picked me up whenever I fell down ice skating. It helped a little bit, but it didn't make it go away. That morning, he had gone somewhere and left his phone in his car. I didn't know that until later. My rational mind knew that everything was fine and that I have friends and a potential boyfriend because I'm a good person and because they genuinely like me, but my subconscious mind doesn't realize that most of the time. My subconscious mind still fears that everything will come crashing down and that every guy I like will turn out to be a jerk that blatantly ignores me like Don did. I tried to eat lunch, knowing that having food in my system would help, but I opened the fridge and started crying. I couldn't control it.

Guy #2 hadn't checked any of his messages at the time and I knew that I couldn't be alone so I ended up calling the first person that texted me while I was in that state: Guy #1. We had made up after everything that had happened and had decided to remain friends because we valued each other as people more than we were hurt by all of the drama. He also knows far too much about me to let me throw him to the curb so easily. After all, I was falling hard for him when his ex-girlfriend walked back into his life.

I don't think he'd experienced any of my breakdowns before then. I don't tend to have them often, but when I do, they're scary. Most people don't expect the person they see on the outside (or know on the inside) to feel that broken inside. I cried for at least thirty minutes, maybe closer to an hour. I kept saying that I felt broken and that I felt alone, like the people in my life were only there because they wanted to use me. I knew in my rational mind that it wasn't true, but I was scared that I'd get myself into another situation like Don again where I'd lose who I was. I remember saying that I wished I'd been taught more about things in my life and that I hadn't been so bullied by my parents when it came to the way I looked or acted. I wished that I'd been taught the differences between types of relationships so that I might not have been used so much when I was younger. In middle and high school, so many people pitied me enough to be my friend or were only my friend because they wanted help with their homework or something else. Most guys in my life only wanted me because they assumed I'd be easy. I wished I wasn't so broken.

I don't remember everything I said during that breakdown, but I do remember Guy #1 pausing for a moment before he told me that I wasn't broken, that there's no such thing as normal, that I have friends because they genuinely love me, and that Guy #2 was a good guy that wouldn't do that to me. I told him that I knew that in my head and in reality, but that I didn't know that subconsciously. My subconscious was still terrified of everything even though the rest of me is getting better.

I think that part of the reason I broke down was because Guy #1 was going through a similar situation with his ex-girlfriend. In many ways, she was emotionally abusing him and I'd been having to remember things that happened with Don since it was fairly similar. I don't think I realized at the time how much my subconscious was still afraid of falling back into that rabbit hole that I'd tried my best to stay away from.

He eventually distracted me and made me laugh enough that I calmed down. I didn't want to go to the race shop, but I knew I needed to in order to get some things done. I didn't want to have to see Don, especially after I'd broken down partly due to the way he'd made me feel for the last six years.

Guy #2 (I suppose I should give him a name sometime) eventually got back to his phone and saw where I'd messaged him. He was quite worried about me and felt bad that he didn't have his phone on him when I needed someone. I ended up calling him to reassure him that I was okay and he apologized for not being around and said that he wasn't like Don. I knew that. The fact that he'd been worried about me and wanted to make sure I was okay already proved that. We talked for a few minutes and I told him that I'd explain more when I saw him the next day. He reassured me that we are a team and that we'd get through it together and if he had to tell me where he was all the time, he would do it.

I felt numb for the rest of the day after breaking down. In a way, I felt like I was reverting back into Alias No. 5 and I desperately didn't want to go back to that point. I was so numb that I didn't trust myself to take a shower, knowing that I'd probably scald myself or cut myself without realizing it until much later. I told James (finally giving Guy #2 a name here. He's significant enough at this point) that I felt that way and he offered to let me stay with him that night. I debated for a while since he lives almost an hour away and wouldn't get off of work until late, but I ended up deciding that it was probably for the best. I wanted to be with him because he made me feel safe and was good at comforting me.

I felt like all progress was lost when I broke down. I hated the fact that my subconscious didn't trust James or anyone else and it made me feel bad because he really is a great guy. However, as I sat with him that night, I realized that all progress wasn't lost. This was just a blip in the road of recovery and maybe one that I needed in order to keep healing. Now that I've talked about it, I feel like it has less of a hold on me. I feel like it's something I needed in order to recover from everything that's happened throughout my life and to help me be who I want to be.

I've found myself being more of a mama lately. I didn't realize it when I was younger, but I actually don't mind that feeling. I don't mind being the person that people come to for advice or being a role model for someone. This has become especially true as I've spent more time with my cousin and her daughter. I always told myself that I wasn't cut out to be a mama, but maybe I am.

I've found myself volunteering a lot more lately. I always feel better when I'm helping someone else. Seeing a smile on their face gives me joy even when I feel like I have none. I've been there for people more and more both when they need things like food or toiletries and when they need a friend to listen.

I'm slowly taking steps to become the Unicorn I want to be. The more time I spend with James, the more my subconscious is starting to believe that I don't have to be scared of repeating the past over and over again anymore. The more time I spend writing, the more I learn about myself and why I am the way I am. I don't understand everything about myself, but I'm only beginning my journey in self-discovery. I've finished the journal I was working on and have started a new one. I've started to feel less anxious and have realized that I have friends that care about me no matter what. When we fall down, we pick each other back up. We take each other soup when we're sick, help each other when we need a friend, and get closer every day. I know that I'm not alone anymore (sometimes even if I want to be). I'm just starting down the road to get to where I want to be, but I've started the journey and I think that's one of the most important steps.