Alias No. 5: The River of Pain and Sadness
Now that I was starting to recover from being the Robot Girl. I spent time trying to figure out who I am without Don's hold on my personality. Even though I'd theoretically put that alias behind me, I hadn't processed everything that happened since then. However, I'd been getting better at being who I want to be: the girl that knows no strangers, the girl that understands love and friendships, the girl that's not afraid of everything. However, it's a slow process becoming that person.
Last semester, I decided I wanted to start dating again. I ended up meeting a guy on Tinder (again, a future series) and it didn't go well. There were a lot of red flags that came up after things happened. Closer to the end of the semester, I was talking to another guy that ended up ghosting me over Christmas Break. At that point, I decided it wasn't worth my time to try to date anyone anymore. I'd given up for the time being. I figured it was best to just focus on my internship and the race car.
The day I came back from Winter Break, I made it about halfway to my apartment before someone messaged me (if he's reading this, he knows who he is). I didn't answer until a few hours after I got back to my apartment, but I'd already made up my mind that I wasn't looking for anything to come of it after the last guy I'd talked to. However, once I started talking to him, I started wondering if I'd actually found someone worth talking to, whether as a friend or as a potential mate. We talked for about a month and were considering meeting up one weekend since we finally were feeling comfortable enough with each other to. He was from home so he lived almost four hours away, but we'd planned to meet up one weekend when we were both free and could do something together.
Around the same time I was developing feelings for him (it wasn't one of those moments where I instantly fell in love), his ex-girlfriend came back into his life. At first, I wasn't worried because he couldn't stand to be around her. He and I had also talked about our relationships with our exes and had an understanding of what was expected. I was still talking to some of my exes, though some of them weren't exactly friends. He was okay with most of his ex-girlfriends, except for the one that ended up coming back. He ran into her one day and she got mad that she didn't talk to him and the second time he ran into her, she broke down crying and wanted to talk to him. The third time, she showed up at his apartment unannounced and broke down in front of him. That same day, she told him that she wished she'd never broken up with him. This sent him into a spiral of not understanding his own feelings for her or me.
I was hurt by the fact that he even considered having feelings for his ex-girlfriend after everything that had happened between them. However, I'm a nice girl and I was patient while he tried to figure things out. That's who I am. I put my own feelings on the backburner to make sure that my frineds are okay. Some people don't understand it, but it's what I do. I didn't feel great, but I was dealing with it. I knew he needed space so I gave it to him. I was coping in my own way. One day, I was driving home from work and had a strange urge to take a different route home. I vaguely knew the route, but I wasn't sure why I wanted to go that way. It was at least ten minutes longer than the route I normally went. I ended up driving through a few small towns and every mile I went with the windows down and the music loud, I felt better. I had made my peace with everything, prepared for the worst-case scenario, and was able to be patient.
If I've learned anything at this point in my life, it's that life doesn't just throw us one thing at a time. For an entire month, I was slammed with something crazy every day no matter how I was feeling. I was dealing with relationship drama, finding out other people liked me, family, and my own friends that were going through their own struggles. Work wasn't great either and day after day, I found myself hiding in my corner behind a computer hoping no one would talk to me because if they did, I thought I might cry. I had to work through everything from relationship drama to a death in the family and I was falling into a downward spiral with my well-being that was beginning to scare me and others.
After a few weeks of waiting, I decided I needed a distraction or an answer and one was easier to come by than the other. I'd tried driving through small towns and journaling, but I realized that I needed to talk to someone random that could make me push my own battles aside for a little while and forget what I was going through. Even though I don't really like Tinder (a future post, I promise), I found myself back on it, wanting someone new to talk to as a distraction from the rest of the world falling apart. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just a distraction that could give me enough small talk to distract myself from the depressive spiral I was spinning in. I wasn't even planning on really talking to them for long.
I was on Tinder for a total of maybe ten minutes and matched with two guys. The first guy I matched with was a typical Tinder guy. He was on the app specifically looking for sex. He asked me a few questions that were extremely personal and said that we should hook up. The scary part was that I considered it for a split second because I wanted to feel something different than what I'd felt for the past couple weeks at that point. I ended up using my better judgement and saying that wasn't my style. He unmatched me.
The second guy was a little different. His profile explicitly said that he was looking for friends. The conversation started with a line about my scar, something guys had started using to hit on me ever since I'd gotten it. I wasn't going to even reply, but I thought it might make him think a little if I told him what happened, so I did. To my surprise, he wasn't trying to be a typical guy trying to use my scar as a way to hit on me for sex. He was genuinely curious about the story. We talked most of that afternoon about things going on in our lives, surface level conversation, but it got deeper. I could tell already that there was a lot of depth to this guy and that I should get to know him, even though I'd only known him for a few hours.
Later that afternoon, he asked me why I'd swiped right on him. I answered truthfully that I'd done it on a whim because I felt an indescribable urge to swipe right after I almost swiped left. I asked him the same question, genuinely curious about how a stranger saw me after half a day of talking about random things. His answer was along the lines of "your scar pulled me in. I saw a story and a person behind it" (yes, I did look it up). We were both looking for friends at the time. I made sure that I told him that I was going through a lot and may or may not be in a relationship with someone else when the dust settled. He understood that and was fine with it.
Over time, I got to know him. At the same time that I was trying to figure out things with the other guy and every time I tried, I hurt more. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd developed feelings for both of them. However, one of them was far more understanding than the other when it came to the situation that we were in. For now, we'll call the first guy I was talking to Guy #1 and the second, Guy #2. I hate to give them such superficial names, but I'm honestly too lazy to come up with anything better right now.
During this time, Guy #1 was pulling away from me and not telling me his thoughts and feelings while Guy #2 wanted me to let him in and was already beginning to let me in. I was in a really bad place emotionally at the time and really needed a friend and Guy #1 was failing to be there when I really needed him which made it all so much worse. I understand he needed his space to figure things out as well, but at the same time, I was going through so much and felt so alone. Guy #2 let me rant and be sad and tried his best to make me feel better. He barely knew me, but gave me his number and told me that if I needed someone, I could call no matter when.
As Guy #1 found out more about Guy #2 (I was being transparent on both sides), Guy #1 got a little upset. He could tell that Guy #2 had made an impression on me, but he didn't really understand that Guy #2 was just a friend. At times, I wonder if Guy #1 thought that I'd met Guy #2 just to get revenge and make him feel the same things I was feeling. I didn't intend for that feeling to occur, but it probably did anyway.
One day, the IT guy at work took my computer to update it and told me that he'd need it the rest of the day so my time was better spent at home or just not at the office. I ended up deciding to explore the city since I was new and only really was there long enough to put in my eight hours a day and leave. I hadn't really planned to work where I was working. On my first day, I was told it would be easier if I was there for the first part so I found myself commuting for two months.
I told Guy #2 that I was going to explore downtown and he gave me a list of places I needed to go. I told him that I didn't know where any of those places were, so he offered to show me around. It probably wasn't the smartest idea, but I took him up on it. He showed me around and we laughed and talked for about an hour or so. He bought me hot chocolate because I'm a Unicorn and I don't drink coffee. When we were ready to leave, he walked me to my car and hugged me. I didn't understand what I felt at the time, but after a lot of thought, realized that I felt like I was at home when I hugged him. I didn't understand why though because I barely knew him.
I had a conversation with Guy #1 and told him that I didn't think it was the right time for things to happen between us. I didn't realize it at the time, but he took that as me choosing Guy #2. In reality, that wasn't the case. I was choosing myself. I cried during that conversation. I sat in my car at a friend's apartment and cried. I could barely hold myself together long enough to say what was on my mind. Up to this point, I still thought nothing was going to happen with Guy #2.
During all of this, my great-aunt passed away. I felt alone trying to process things. Guy #1 was out of town while I was trying to process all of those feelings and that sadness and it made me feel more alone. I knew that he probably wanted space and I didn't want to bother him, but at the same time, I needed someone. I ended up talking to Guy #2 who got me through all of it by talking to me. By that point, things were starting to change.
That weekend, Guy #1 ended up going on a date with his ex-girlfriend. I was hurt, but I wasn't going to say anything. By that time, I'd coped with the worst-case scenario that he'd end up going back to her. I ended up meeting up with Guy #2 again that weekend to hang out and talk. I had a Skype meeting that day, so we ended up staying in. When I got there, we put on a TV show with every intention to watch it, but ended up getting distracted by talking about everything. I think in a lot of ways, we fascinated each other (and still do). In the moment, I felt like I was home and ended up kissing him in the heat of the moment. In a way, it felt natural, like returning to an old lover after being away for a while. It was probably the first time I'd felt something besides pain in a while. When I left, Guy #2 told me that I'd had the chance to meet up with him and hang out and that I needed to do the same with Guy #1 to make sure that anything I felt wasn't just because of the physical contact or the fact we'd kissed. He fully expected me to have the same experience with Guy #1 and was completely okay with it.
I told Guy #1 that I'd kissed Guy #2 (I wasn't keeping any secrets) and things ended up going downhill from there. Guy #1 wasn't okay with the fact that we'd kissed even though it wasn't something we'd talked about and we weren't together and I wasn't even sure if we were still talking at that point. He was really hurt by it and I felt terrible that I'd hurt him that way because I never meant to. It only got worse and when I was at work that Monday, everything got so bad that I didn't think I could make it home before I broke down from all of the pain and sadness. I was right. I ended up going to Guy #2's apartment because it was closer than my own. I cried for a little while (not in the way he was expecting) and just let myself feel broken and sad. It wasn't a great feeling, but he tried to comfort me and give me the best advice he could. After I'd managed to pull myself back together, Guy #2 told me the same thing he would tell me every time I left him for almost a month: I'd spent time with him and now I needed to spend time with Guy #1 to see what I felt when I was with him.
I knew at that point what was going to happen. I didn't need to think much more on it. I knew that Guy #1 was going to ultimately beat himself up enough to the point one of us walked away. I didn't want that to happen, but from the way he talked to me, I knew. I tried to mend things because I hadn't intended for anything to happen. Guy #1 was still hurt though. I could tell that he thought I was leaning towards Guy #2 because he was talking to his ex-girlfriend, which simply wasn't true. They were completely separate the entire time.
Eventually, I got to know Guy #2 more and really started to have feelings for him. Guy #1 ultimately decided to back off. I don't know if he did it out of respect for me or because he knew that's what I'd do in that situation. Either way, I respected his decision. I didn't choose Guy #2 immediately. That didn't happen for a few more weeks. I chose myself and knew that I needed time to try to recover from everything and not feel only pain for a while.
I wasn't just dealing with Guy #1 and Guy #2. One of my exes had come back into my life and I was trying to be there for him. However, he has a tendency to only talk to me when he either wants to rub something in my face or he's feeling suicidal. At first, he tried to rub things in my face and insult me. I know he wants me to hate him. If I hate him, he feels like it will cause me less pain when he ultimately kills himself. However, I'm doing my best to make sure that he stays around. He was continuously trying to tear me down about everything, but I could tell he was crying out for help. The problem is, he didn't really want to help himself either. He'd turned to drinking and smoking as a means to cope with his own life. I didn't want to, but I had to let him go before he pulled me down with him.
I was not in a great place emotionally after all of that. I'd been put through the ringer in so many ways and didn't really remember what happiness felt like because it had been over a month and a half since I'd truly felt happiness.
Last semester, I decided I wanted to start dating again. I ended up meeting a guy on Tinder (again, a future series) and it didn't go well. There were a lot of red flags that came up after things happened. Closer to the end of the semester, I was talking to another guy that ended up ghosting me over Christmas Break. At that point, I decided it wasn't worth my time to try to date anyone anymore. I'd given up for the time being. I figured it was best to just focus on my internship and the race car.The day I came back from Winter Break, I made it about halfway to my apartment before someone messaged me (if he's reading this, he knows who he is). I didn't answer until a few hours after I got back to my apartment, but I'd already made up my mind that I wasn't looking for anything to come of it after the last guy I'd talked to. However, once I started talking to him, I started wondering if I'd actually found someone worth talking to, whether as a friend or as a potential mate. We talked for about a month and were considering meeting up one weekend since we finally were feeling comfortable enough with each other to. He was from home so he lived almost four hours away, but we'd planned to meet up one weekend when we were both free and could do something together.
Around the same time I was developing feelings for him (it wasn't one of those moments where I instantly fell in love), his ex-girlfriend came back into his life. At first, I wasn't worried because he couldn't stand to be around her. He and I had also talked about our relationships with our exes and had an understanding of what was expected. I was still talking to some of my exes, though some of them weren't exactly friends. He was okay with most of his ex-girlfriends, except for the one that ended up coming back. He ran into her one day and she got mad that she didn't talk to him and the second time he ran into her, she broke down crying and wanted to talk to him. The third time, she showed up at his apartment unannounced and broke down in front of him. That same day, she told him that she wished she'd never broken up with him. This sent him into a spiral of not understanding his own feelings for her or me.I was hurt by the fact that he even considered having feelings for his ex-girlfriend after everything that had happened between them. However, I'm a nice girl and I was patient while he tried to figure things out. That's who I am. I put my own feelings on the backburner to make sure that my frineds are okay. Some people don't understand it, but it's what I do. I didn't feel great, but I was dealing with it. I knew he needed space so I gave it to him. I was coping in my own way. One day, I was driving home from work and had a strange urge to take a different route home. I vaguely knew the route, but I wasn't sure why I wanted to go that way. It was at least ten minutes longer than the route I normally went. I ended up driving through a few small towns and every mile I went with the windows down and the music loud, I felt better. I had made my peace with everything, prepared for the worst-case scenario, and was able to be patient.
If I've learned anything at this point in my life, it's that life doesn't just throw us one thing at a time. For an entire month, I was slammed with something crazy every day no matter how I was feeling. I was dealing with relationship drama, finding out other people liked me, family, and my own friends that were going through their own struggles. Work wasn't great either and day after day, I found myself hiding in my corner behind a computer hoping no one would talk to me because if they did, I thought I might cry. I had to work through everything from relationship drama to a death in the family and I was falling into a downward spiral with my well-being that was beginning to scare me and others.
After a few weeks of waiting, I decided I needed a distraction or an answer and one was easier to come by than the other. I'd tried driving through small towns and journaling, but I realized that I needed to talk to someone random that could make me push my own battles aside for a little while and forget what I was going through. Even though I don't really like Tinder (a future post, I promise), I found myself back on it, wanting someone new to talk to as a distraction from the rest of the world falling apart. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just a distraction that could give me enough small talk to distract myself from the depressive spiral I was spinning in. I wasn't even planning on really talking to them for long.I was on Tinder for a total of maybe ten minutes and matched with two guys. The first guy I matched with was a typical Tinder guy. He was on the app specifically looking for sex. He asked me a few questions that were extremely personal and said that we should hook up. The scary part was that I considered it for a split second because I wanted to feel something different than what I'd felt for the past couple weeks at that point. I ended up using my better judgement and saying that wasn't my style. He unmatched me.
The second guy was a little different. His profile explicitly said that he was looking for friends. The conversation started with a line about my scar, something guys had started using to hit on me ever since I'd gotten it. I wasn't going to even reply, but I thought it might make him think a little if I told him what happened, so I did. To my surprise, he wasn't trying to be a typical guy trying to use my scar as a way to hit on me for sex. He was genuinely curious about the story. We talked most of that afternoon about things going on in our lives, surface level conversation, but it got deeper. I could tell already that there was a lot of depth to this guy and that I should get to know him, even though I'd only known him for a few hours.
Later that afternoon, he asked me why I'd swiped right on him. I answered truthfully that I'd done it on a whim because I felt an indescribable urge to swipe right after I almost swiped left. I asked him the same question, genuinely curious about how a stranger saw me after half a day of talking about random things. His answer was along the lines of "your scar pulled me in. I saw a story and a person behind it" (yes, I did look it up). We were both looking for friends at the time. I made sure that I told him that I was going through a lot and may or may not be in a relationship with someone else when the dust settled. He understood that and was fine with it.
Over time, I got to know him. At the same time that I was trying to figure out things with the other guy and every time I tried, I hurt more. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd developed feelings for both of them. However, one of them was far more understanding than the other when it came to the situation that we were in. For now, we'll call the first guy I was talking to Guy #1 and the second, Guy #2. I hate to give them such superficial names, but I'm honestly too lazy to come up with anything better right now.During this time, Guy #1 was pulling away from me and not telling me his thoughts and feelings while Guy #2 wanted me to let him in and was already beginning to let me in. I was in a really bad place emotionally at the time and really needed a friend and Guy #1 was failing to be there when I really needed him which made it all so much worse. I understand he needed his space to figure things out as well, but at the same time, I was going through so much and felt so alone. Guy #2 let me rant and be sad and tried his best to make me feel better. He barely knew me, but gave me his number and told me that if I needed someone, I could call no matter when.
As Guy #1 found out more about Guy #2 (I was being transparent on both sides), Guy #1 got a little upset. He could tell that Guy #2 had made an impression on me, but he didn't really understand that Guy #2 was just a friend. At times, I wonder if Guy #1 thought that I'd met Guy #2 just to get revenge and make him feel the same things I was feeling. I didn't intend for that feeling to occur, but it probably did anyway.
One day, the IT guy at work took my computer to update it and told me that he'd need it the rest of the day so my time was better spent at home or just not at the office. I ended up deciding to explore the city since I was new and only really was there long enough to put in my eight hours a day and leave. I hadn't really planned to work where I was working. On my first day, I was told it would be easier if I was there for the first part so I found myself commuting for two months.I told Guy #2 that I was going to explore downtown and he gave me a list of places I needed to go. I told him that I didn't know where any of those places were, so he offered to show me around. It probably wasn't the smartest idea, but I took him up on it. He showed me around and we laughed and talked for about an hour or so. He bought me hot chocolate because I'm a Unicorn and I don't drink coffee. When we were ready to leave, he walked me to my car and hugged me. I didn't understand what I felt at the time, but after a lot of thought, realized that I felt like I was at home when I hugged him. I didn't understand why though because I barely knew him.
I had a conversation with Guy #1 and told him that I didn't think it was the right time for things to happen between us. I didn't realize it at the time, but he took that as me choosing Guy #2. In reality, that wasn't the case. I was choosing myself. I cried during that conversation. I sat in my car at a friend's apartment and cried. I could barely hold myself together long enough to say what was on my mind. Up to this point, I still thought nothing was going to happen with Guy #2.
During all of this, my great-aunt passed away. I felt alone trying to process things. Guy #1 was out of town while I was trying to process all of those feelings and that sadness and it made me feel more alone. I knew that he probably wanted space and I didn't want to bother him, but at the same time, I needed someone. I ended up talking to Guy #2 who got me through all of it by talking to me. By that point, things were starting to change.
That weekend, Guy #1 ended up going on a date with his ex-girlfriend. I was hurt, but I wasn't going to say anything. By that time, I'd coped with the worst-case scenario that he'd end up going back to her. I ended up meeting up with Guy #2 again that weekend to hang out and talk. I had a Skype meeting that day, so we ended up staying in. When I got there, we put on a TV show with every intention to watch it, but ended up getting distracted by talking about everything. I think in a lot of ways, we fascinated each other (and still do). In the moment, I felt like I was home and ended up kissing him in the heat of the moment. In a way, it felt natural, like returning to an old lover after being away for a while. It was probably the first time I'd felt something besides pain in a while. When I left, Guy #2 told me that I'd had the chance to meet up with him and hang out and that I needed to do the same with Guy #1 to make sure that anything I felt wasn't just because of the physical contact or the fact we'd kissed. He fully expected me to have the same experience with Guy #1 and was completely okay with it.I told Guy #1 that I'd kissed Guy #2 (I wasn't keeping any secrets) and things ended up going downhill from there. Guy #1 wasn't okay with the fact that we'd kissed even though it wasn't something we'd talked about and we weren't together and I wasn't even sure if we were still talking at that point. He was really hurt by it and I felt terrible that I'd hurt him that way because I never meant to. It only got worse and when I was at work that Monday, everything got so bad that I didn't think I could make it home before I broke down from all of the pain and sadness. I was right. I ended up going to Guy #2's apartment because it was closer than my own. I cried for a little while (not in the way he was expecting) and just let myself feel broken and sad. It wasn't a great feeling, but he tried to comfort me and give me the best advice he could. After I'd managed to pull myself back together, Guy #2 told me the same thing he would tell me every time I left him for almost a month: I'd spent time with him and now I needed to spend time with Guy #1 to see what I felt when I was with him.
I knew at that point what was going to happen. I didn't need to think much more on it. I knew that Guy #1 was going to ultimately beat himself up enough to the point one of us walked away. I didn't want that to happen, but from the way he talked to me, I knew. I tried to mend things because I hadn't intended for anything to happen. Guy #1 was still hurt though. I could tell that he thought I was leaning towards Guy #2 because he was talking to his ex-girlfriend, which simply wasn't true. They were completely separate the entire time.Eventually, I got to know Guy #2 more and really started to have feelings for him. Guy #1 ultimately decided to back off. I don't know if he did it out of respect for me or because he knew that's what I'd do in that situation. Either way, I respected his decision. I didn't choose Guy #2 immediately. That didn't happen for a few more weeks. I chose myself and knew that I needed time to try to recover from everything and not feel only pain for a while.
I wasn't just dealing with Guy #1 and Guy #2. One of my exes had come back into my life and I was trying to be there for him. However, he has a tendency to only talk to me when he either wants to rub something in my face or he's feeling suicidal. At first, he tried to rub things in my face and insult me. I know he wants me to hate him. If I hate him, he feels like it will cause me less pain when he ultimately kills himself. However, I'm doing my best to make sure that he stays around. He was continuously trying to tear me down about everything, but I could tell he was crying out for help. The problem is, he didn't really want to help himself either. He'd turned to drinking and smoking as a means to cope with his own life. I didn't want to, but I had to let him go before he pulled me down with him.
I was not in a great place emotionally after all of that. I'd been put through the ringer in so many ways and didn't really remember what happiness felt like because it had been over a month and a half since I'd truly felt happiness.