Are You a Real Doctor?

Now that we're on post #8, you're probably beginning to wonder who Doctor Unicorn really is. Well, all you really need to know is that I'm just a regular girl that has been through a lot. I don't think I could even begin to explain some of the things I've been through and I've been told stories that I don't even remember anymore, but I guess that's the point of this blog in a way. There are large gaps in my memory, but that's why keeping a journal is so helpful for me.  

The first thing you should probably know is that I'm not actually a doctor of any sort and any medical advice I give you is probably best taken with a grain of salt unless you truly trust my maternal instincts. I got the nickname "Doctor Unicorn" one summer when I was working as a tech assistant for a summer camp. The teachers there called me a unicorn because I'd somehow do the exact same thing they'd do to fix a computer and actually make it work. Then, once they were already calling me Unicorn, they joked that I was performing surgery when I was fixing some electrical components. Thus Doctor Unicorn was born. It's probably one of my favorite aliases for myself actually.

That being said, I've had quite a few aliases for myself throughout my life. I don't mean that I've literally had several different aliases for myself, but I feel like I've been several different people throughout my existence. I guess a lot of people would probably call them "masks" that I've worn throughout my life, but I don't feel like the sides of me are simple enough to be considered masks. I don't necessarily know if I am the same person I was in certain points in my life or how I ended up that way.

At times I think society forces certain aliases on us because it wants to be able to generalize us. Well, I hate to say it, but I don't fit into any sort of box (or at least I don't think I do. Someone tell me if I'm way off with that....). I think that I felt left out at certain points in time and that caused me to try to force myself into being an alias that fit in with society. I was always that weird girl that never truly fit in and it has affected the way I navigate friendships from a young age. As you may remember, I wrote a lot as a kid and if you ever read any of my work from that time period, my main characters were always the girl next door type that mostly fit in, but was mostly boring in any other way. That's who I wanted to be, yet that wasn't who I was. I was never meant to be that girl or to fit in with the societal norm.

Last week, I had a breakdown and I happened to call a friend just before I ended up falling over the edge. I don't remember much of that breakdown (poor guy that had to listen to me), but I do remember saying that I wanted to be normal because normal people aren't plagued with anxiety or depression. He paused for a moment and in a very stern voice said, "Listen to me. There's no such thing as normal. It doesn't exist. Sure, there are things that a lot of people do, but that doesn't mean it's normal or right to do those things." At the time, I was too disconnected from reality to really process what he was saying, but I thought about it later and realized that he was right.

I don't want to be the girl plagued by anxiety, depression, and any other mental health disorder I could be diagnosed with, but at the same time, I'm thankful for it because it gives me a channel to connect with someone else through. It gives me the experience to help someone else get through it and that actually inspires me. I didn't really see it that way until I started watching another friend of mine care for another friend (and care for me at the same time because I was in a bad place). I remember talking to him once and telling him that he'd been through a lot lately and that if he needed someone to talk to, I was there. He knew a lot about me at that time, but I tended to forget that he'd been there too some days because talking to him, you wouldn't necessarily be able to tell that he'd had his own battle with depression. I know he's probably still fighting battles some days, but at the same time, he's always there for others. I admire the way that he has been able to use his battle with his own mental health as a way to understand and connect with people and hope that one day, I can get to that point as well (if he's reading this, he's probably figured out who he is by now and should know that I'm not writing this because I want to make him smile, but because I truly think that).

I try already, but I still break down at times because I can't handle everything that someone else is going through sometimes. I don't like the fact that I can't always handle everything about a person that decides to open up to me, but I'm improving. I've had my battles with depression and anxiety, but I'm starting to win them which makes me one step closer to winning the war.