Alias No. 3: The Tomboy That Questioned Gender Identity

I never had many friends that were girls growing up. For most of my life, I was one of the guys, especially when the physical differences between us weren't blatantly obvious. The first time I had friends that were girls was in middle school. We came together through a shared love of writing and being stuck in the same English class. We were close for about four years through our writing and generally enjoying each other's company. I always felt like the oddball of the group because I wasn't used to having friends that were girls. I was never really all that girly once I started making my own decisions for my wardrobe choices. Since then, I've had an equal mixture of friends (or fairly equal), but my idea of gender causes me to forget that one person is a boy and another a girl.

I've had long hair a total of two times in my life. Usually, I keep the length to my shoulders or shorter. When I was little, I cut it short several times and every few years would decide that I wanted to have really short hair. In third grade, I cut it really short, shorter than a lot of guys kept theirs. It wasn't intentionally that style, but my hair never cooperated. The longest my hair has ever been was in the sixth grade when it came down to the bottom of my rib cage. That same year, I cut it back up to my ears because it was a nuisance to keep clean. When I was younger, it was more of a convenience to have short hair. It was easier to keep clean, but as I get older, it becomes more of a symbol of change. I cut my hair short when I started college because it was a chance to start over in a way despite a third of my high school going to the same college. Since then, I've let it grow out again and it's almost as long as it was in sixth grade which means that unless the guy I'm talking to puts up an extremely good argument against it, it's almost time to cut my hair short again. I don't know exactly how short I want to cut my hair this time, but I've definitely considered it when it gets stuck in my armpits or my backpack. I've done a lot of changing lately and I think it's time for a change in my physical appearance to signify that.

I think that the school dress codes may have had an effect on the way I saw myself. In elementary school, the boys were forced to tuck their shirts in, but the girls were unaffected. Now that I'm older, I know that they had to tuck their shirts in because of the way women's clothing is designed, but at the time I thought it was unfair that I could wear the same thing that a boy could wear (and I did wear that a lot), but that I didn't have to tuck my shirt in simply because I was a girl. If you ever found me wearing something that wasn't a tee shirt and some form of denim, it meant that I had not dressed myself that day. In fourth grade, I unknowingly changed my wardrobe to consist of polo shirts and shorts (or pants) and felt the need to dress the way the boys did. I wanted to be treated equally. 

It worked out because two years later, my school district switched to uniforms and we all had to wear the same thing. You'd think that if we're all wearing the same thing, the clothes we wore wouldn't matter, but they did. Girls always wore pants and shirts that were tight and short to try to defy the system while guys looked the way the uniform intended them to. I fell in the middle during middle and high school. Some things I wore were gender neutral, but others were more fitted. Physically, I knew there were differences between boys and girls, but beyond that, it wasn't relevant to me. The fact that I was nearly clueless about legitimate male anatomy until very recently probably factored into that idea, but it probably improved my ability to be inclusive. 

I was always a tomboy. Most of the time, I dressed like a boy and was happy with it. However, once I started developing, I went through a struggle with my identity. I don't think I'd have turned out the same way I did had femininity not been forced onto me. Whenever I did something that wasn't "ladylike", I got a lecture from someone. When I started keeping my wallet in my back pocket, I got a lecture that only boys did that and that I looked too much like a boy. The reality was (and still is) that I didn't care. I wanted to be my own person and I didn't care how much I resembled one specific gender. My chances of being mistaken as a male by strangers hasn't really changed much over time. I was just as likely to be mistaken whether I was wearing jeans and a grey tee shirt or a purple sweatshirt with braided hair. When I was a kid, I didn't like that I was always mistaken for a male because I felt like it was something that was wrong with me. 

I never fit into the idea of what a girl looks like. I'm starting to as I get older, but that's pure chance. I've always been short, chubby, and never liked wearing makeup or doing fancy things with my hair. In my opinion, my voice is lower than most girls. However, the guy I'm currently talking to tells me that I'm still obviously a girl and that I'm beautiful. I think my physical appearance added to my struggle with my gender identity, especially during middle and high school. 

Growing up in the conservative middle of nowhere, I was expected to be a traditional lady and anyone that didn't meet that societal norm was labeled as such and it became a huge part of the identity that the community gave them. I didn't understand the idea of gender identity until I left that town, but I'd always tried to defy the typical female identity. I think that had I known more at the time, I wouldn't have felt so broken. Personally, I don't think I'm trans, but I definitely consider myself as gender neutral most of the time. As I've gotten older, I've started leaning to the feminine side of gender neutral even though my go to wardrobe is the same as it was when I was little. I think now I'm letting myself choose what I want after femininity was forced down my throat. I know others that have done the opposite now that their traditional gender identity is no longer being constantly forced onto them and that's perfectly okay.   

At some point in middle or high school (my memory is quite fuzzy as you will learn), a rumor started that I had a crush on one of the girls I was friends with. To this day, I have no idea why or how that rumor started, but it led me to start questioning my sexuality as well. I didn't like her that way, but the way it was said made it destructive to both of us. Needless to say, I felt very broken until I got out of that small town and learned that it was okay to be me and not fit into a box when it came to my sexuality or gender. I'd never really thought about whether I was attracted to girls. I'd always been taught that it was wrong. I lived in that land of confusion for a long time until I finally learned that I truly was straight. Currently, we're both happy with the men we've chosen to spend our time with.

I really wish that I hadn't been forced to wait until I left my hometown to learn that a lot of people don't conform to traditional gender identities and that sexuality is fluid. I think it would have saved me a lot of confusion and pain that I experienced as a child. I don't think I'd still feel like I have to try to conform to society's idea of a woman if I'd been told that it was okay to be me and wear what I wanted.